100613 FEAR

Life’s about the little things. Only it’s not. It never was. Right now everything is leading up to these moments; the grand finale, some might say. All these little things building up, fusing together, boiling amongst each other in this giant cauldron, this abyss, this bottomless nothingness, until finally it all stops- the broth is ready.

Take a look.

What’s inside?

And then you see it, take a whiff, eat it, and move on. 

And the process begins again.

It’s never about the little moments.

So by now it’s probably clear that the moment I’m talking about is- as stupid and lame as it sounds- the HSC. Now up until now it didn’t really hit me that this is probably one of the first major milestones of my life. But it’s just crashed into me so hard that my hands are shaking as we speak (is this a symptom for something because it’s definitely not something I’m very comfortable with right now). They’re shaking so much I can’t really type properly. I can’t think. I can’t speak. I feel light headed. My hands are shaking- I know I’ve mentioned this fact like three times already but it’s really freaking me out.

I guess…what I’m trying to say is…that I’m scared.

And I know a lot of people don’t think I get scared because I come off as some bitchy, angry, violent little cunt. And I know that there are other things for me to be scared about- things that actually matter and that leads to a more final destination. But I am. I am so scared.

There’s just so many questions.

Did I choose the right subjects?

Do I tell my parents that I am actually certain that I don’t want to do medicine and that it’s reached the point where I actually feel sick whenever they play it up as the dream I have always had?

You know typical Asian questions.

You see, Dad just ambushed me and started talking to me about rankings since he went to that Matrix HSC/ATAR seminar today. Completely ruined my day- might I add. But I guess it kind of freaked me out. I’m in Year 11. I should be thinking about these things. I should be studying. I should be trying hard. But I’m not. Okay… I do try and study but I don’t think I do it enough.

I don’t even think I’m talking about just the HSC anymore.

I can’t sit at my desk long enough for me to want to do something even remotely productive for more than a few hours. I guess I think a lot about what I could be doing instead of studying. Maybe somewhere, in some other time stream, I’m writing a sequel to a novel, or performing on stage, or dancing, singing, painting, creating, sleeping, partying like Gatsby. Maybe, if there was even a small chance that this were possible, I would be happy with what I’m doing. Heck- I’d be happy to just be free from trappings of the life I’m currently living. In a time where none of this matters and it truly was about the little things and I could just go on with my life knowing that I’ve made a difference, that the path I’m leading is one that I decided on without the influence of others, that I could pick myself up when I’m down because I know that right there, at the end of my path, I’ll be able to look back and think…I. Am. Happy.

But I can’t. Because I know I’ll choose to do something that I know I’ll regret and I know I’ll decide to keep all my questions unanswered and leave them to waste away in the dark recesses of my mind. Because I know that there is no other Jasmine, that there is no other time stream, that it’s just me. Now. In my chair. Typing away on my computer when I know that I should be fucking studying- god damn it-and that tomorrow I’ll do the same thing. Sit and wait and waste away until I realise that there is no turning back and that it’s too late to fix my mistakes. Mistakes that I’ll look back upon and think-Damn, Jasmine, you stupid little fuck! Look at the sorry mess you’ve made.

I can’t give myself a goal because I don’t have one. I don’t want one. Because I know that once I put that goal there, on my desk, on my wall, in my mind, imprinted in my mind and seared into my heart,  I’ll just disappoint myself because I’m never doing to reach it.

I’m tired. I’m tired of having to sit and listen to them harp on about it every day, asking me if I care- because I do, my god I care so much that sometimes it just eats at me- asking me if I know what I’m doing, if I have a plan. I don't have a plan and that's what frightens me sometimes. I can't even comprehend how people find it within themselves to not care let alone think into the future. To just sit there and think you know what? Fuck it. I still have the rest of my life. It's not a game. You can't just pick up where you left. You can't fluke it. You can't sit there and think that you possess some god sent gift and that you actually possess an inch of given talent. You need to work for it. You don't start walking before you start to crawl. You reach that big moment first and then you can move on to the next section or else you're stuck in limbo...maybe I care too much. And that’s my problem. Right there, that’s my problem. I think too much, I dream too much, I believe too little and I don’t know. And maybe if I knew, if I knew what great perhaps I was seeking for, perhaps then I’d think a little less, dream a little less, believe a little more. 

I want to make a difference. There. Is that big enough for you? Has that lived up to your expectations? I want to be able to wake up and think that somewhere out there someone is happier because of me. I want to be able to start a legacy that can continue on for generations. I want to be able to do something with my life, create something that is bigger than me, with a purpose greater than my sorry existence. I want to do something with my life.

Fear isn’t a choice. Fear creeps up on you without you knowing. Fear is like a parasite that eats at you…no- feasts upon you until you are nothing but a dried up carcass. Fear is that pain you feel as the knife pierces your skin as you drag it across, cutting, slicing, until you see the first drop of blood roll down like the tears that paint your face.  Fear isn’t something I can control. Fear isn’t something I can toss aside.

So I’m saying this now, for anyone to read.

I’m scared.

And I don’t know what to do. 

song of the moment: San Francisco by The Mowgli's